My State of Mind Lately......

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pics courtesy of
http://www.jazjaz.net/2009/04/40-hauntingly-beautiful-photographs-taken-in-graveyards.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My state of mind courtesy of life

OH MY!!!! Almost a month!

Since I last posted. Wow! Things have come together for me - house is clean - almost! Yard is shaping up - the place in Maine is livable - I feel good. I have things going well at home - I finally realized what this whole housewife thing is all about & how it works. Man goes off to work - woman stays home & keeps house - yes it works. I almost want to regret the past 20+ years. If we only didn't do what we did with the $ thing - things could have been so different for me. So it goes - I can't think like that or else it will eat me alive. I am going to try to make up for lost time. I just came to this conclusion now as I write this - sheesh I didn't even know I felt this way. Thanks Rich.

It was easier than I thought...

Had to report to my old job today to finish up some paper work - I was nervous over it big time - I was up at 2:00 am & just rehearsed in my mind over & over. What was I rehearsing? I don't really know..... but while I was there - no emotion (well just a bit) but pulled it off without a hitch & I drove out of the parking lot & never looked back. WOW - I feel great!!!!! I must admit that I am not completely used to my new schedule - see I have no schedule - I guess that's why I get a little restless in the afternoon - but I'll think I'll adjust - LOL!!!!

It's a beautiful Saturday morning!!!!

The birds are singing up a storm, the house is quiet & I am definitely in a mellow mood. I keep going back & forth on my moods lately regarding the loss of my job - I am as down as could be & then I swing so very high. I definitely like the second feeling! Now to figure out how to make that stay! DS has been better - he feels things are going to be better now than ever before - he always balanced me out - I guess that's why we still work so well together!!!

Now I know what I have been searching for.....

A time comes in your life when you finally get it. When, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks, and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! You come to terms with the fact that, in the real world, there aren't always "fairy tail" endings (or beginnings for that matter), and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with YOU, and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you're not perfect, that not everyone will always love, appreciate, or approve of who or what you are, and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions) And you learn that the importance of loving and championing yourself, and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of SELF APPROVAL. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did, or didn't do for you, and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, and not everyone will always be there for you; and that its not always about YOU. So, you learn to stand on your own, and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance!

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are, to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties; and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. You begin to sort through all that you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, and how much you should weigh; what you should wear and where you should shop, and what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage; the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin re-assessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never had brought into to begin with; and in the process you to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing; and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don't know everything, its not your job to save the world and that you cant teach a pig to sing.

You learn to distinguish between guilt, and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries, and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and the familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving,and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and you learn you don't have the right to demand love on your terms just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does NOT mean lonely. And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never look perfect, and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

And you learn that your body is your temple, and you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest, And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels your soul
So you take more time to laugh and play. You learn that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve and that much of life truly is a self fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for, and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline, and perseverance.

On occasions,you learn not to personalize things
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can ONLY dream about!
A full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft, warm bed, a long, hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself; and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never settle for less than your hearts desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with Spirit by your side you take a stand; you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

Baby Feet to Man Feet

Baby Feet
~Edgar Guest
Tell me, what is half so sweet
As a baby's tiny feet,
Pink and dainty as can be,
Like a coral from the sea?
Talk of jewels strung in rows,
Gaze upon those little toes,
Fairer than a diadem,
With the mother kissing them


I start this post with this poem & this picture because my son's feet were one of my favorite things in my life. So sweet, so small, so perfect! I remember playing with them, kissing them, tickling them and just marveling at them. As he grew, of course I couldn't do as many things to them, but I still played little piggy & of course brought him the cutest little shoes.

His feet eventually got as big as mine (size 7) and for a while we could "borrow" each other shoes - his crocs, my muck-lucks, his flip-flops - we wore what ever was available. But lately, I began to notice something - he was developing "man-feet"! Yup - right before my very eyes - you know what I mean - those funny, odd shaped toes - wide and just plain guy like. And they kept growing! Last night we had to get new school shoes (yes the shoes from September did not fit him anymore. So we went to the 7 1/2 section, 8, 8 1/2, 9 - yikes - 9 1/2 & brought him three pair.

And so it goes - where did my little boy go? It is silly - but this concept disturbs me so I want those cute little pink toes again!
And know now I will never havethem again.