Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Art and Poetry by Artist Suzy Toronto www.3wackywomen.com
I feel so out of my skin lately.
In four months I'll be fifty - age has never bothered me before - but for some reason this sounds so ominous - so old. I keep thinking that I only have thirty or forty years left (God willing) and I still have so much I want to do and get done - if the last 50 years went by in such a whirlwind - what will the back end of my life be like? So morbid sounding - so final - and yet being out of work and finally making the decision not to go back leaves me endless days of time - time to do what I want and what I dreamed of - so I guess I should look at this time in my life as a blessing and as a gift from God.
DS is graduating eighth grade - I remember my eighth grade graduation like it was yesterday - as I mentioned in a previous post, my elementary school years were some of the best years of my life - I think Guy will feel the same way about his - as St. Elizabeth is truly a wonderful place - anyway I always looked at my graduation as a huge step in my life - by the time I graduated I was going steady with a boy (Steve -my first love)I was already in a bra and my period started that year. I look at my son and feel such pangs - he will be starting high school in September, he is already a head taller than me - I guess the magical "baby" years are over for me - never again to hold him and rock him to sleep - hear his sweet giggles or have his hand held out to me to be picked up and cuddled - yet I feel good that I raised him to this point and he has turned out so good - so happy for him that he too is starting a new chapter in in his life. I guess him being this age and independent enough to care for himself - will leave me time to be me - I hope he still will reach out to me for a cuddle now and then.
There are days when I still can't get over being laid off (sounds better than saying "fired") - giving them twelve years of true dedication and hard work - to be cast aside like a piece of trash at the curb - I get upset when I think about it - but then I want to thank God and shout from the rooftops that I am free and gone from that place.
I think I am beginning to go through (whispering) "the change" as my mother would say. My friend, which I started getting back in eight grade hasn't been my friend for a while (been sporadic the last year anyway) - but worse I am getting (whispering) "hot flashes" - more like holding my foot to the fire and having my whole body go ablaze. I feel the heat start in my very core and then radiate out to my very fingertips - ending with me sweating - I never sweat in my life until now and I never felt anything like this in my life. I also, at times, want to rip someones heart out - for no apparent reason other than I just feel like doing it.
So you can see I really am in a flux and have diarrhea of the fingers - as I just keep on typing and typing.........I feel good just getting these feelings out in the open - not an interesting post - but tough shit (boy that felt good!)